Coming Home

Hey everyone, I am here again with my sometimes on again, off again blog. I would like to write everyday but I dont always have time so I usually only write when I am really struck by something touching or great in my life. So here it is. I recently joined a methadone clinic to battle my addiction. I have tried everything I know for the last seventeen years and much to everyone's dismay, it is not the high they think it is. First of all, the people you see that are all falling over themselves and cant stand up straight are the ones who abuse the program and usually take a bunch of other meds on top of it like benzodiazapans like zanax etc... Anyway, it has worked great for me. I am on a very low dose and I go daily until I earn take homes which will be very soon. All you need to do is pass the urinalysis on a weekly basis for a month and then you get to take home a days worth then work your way until you only have to go once a week. Whatever, I am going on again. The point is that believe it or not I am thankful for this program because I think it may have saved my life and who knows when I would have relapsed again. Some may say I could avoid it if I wanted to but anyone who has ever relapsed knows its easier than it sounds and for real, I am doing what works for me right now and anyone who doesn't like it doesn't need to read this or deal with me. To each his own. Now back to the blog at hand. It was raining cats and dogs today and a good buddy of mine suggested we get lunch as she does everyday. Another blessing since joining the program was that I have found two more like minded people who like to go get medicated, go to meetings and other wise keep their noses clean. As a result we meet daily and between the three of us we usually have enough to have a pretty decent lunch on a frequent basis. As the day wore on, I had so many blessings. Finding a five dollar scratch off winner on the side walk, finding ten dollars tucked away in my wallet. Getting some mail I was waiting for. Good news on the phone etc... Thankfulness all around. I will tell you what though, good days or bad, nothing makes me as thankful or as happy as coming home. I have been in the trenches and I know what its like to not have a home or a safe place to lay your head. I also know what its like to have a beautiful home with all the luxuries to come home to. I have seen both sides of the fence and both have been wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time. Both have had joys and heartbreaks. Both have seen tears and laughter but neither has had true love or peace of mind. In both situations previously I was always chasing something outside of myself looking for a dream that would never come true. On the streets I chased drugs and money, in the luxury house I chased romance and material items and I had abundance in all areas but none of them let me go to sleep with a real smile on my face. Coming home. Today of all days as I rounded that last corner through the mud soaked streets and was splashed by a big rig, it was okay. I was coming home. Going up that last step and dropping my keys and my bags, it was okay, I was home. Unlocking the door being greeted by my two kitties, Sheba and Shamus. My house with its stale cigarette smell on rainy days and its fresh rain smell on days when I light incense. My house where me and my girlfriend scream at each other for hours sometimes, and other times hold each other for days. My house where wonderful meals are lovingly cooked and often put away till my homework is done, where there are times when we have no food. My house. My house where the neighbors knock all the time to ask for stuff I never have and the phone never seems to stop ringing. My house where the lights in the parking lot glare through the bedroom window and the neighborhood gangs set off car alarms all night. My house. My house where on Sundays we watch movies all day and eat brunch for every meal, my house where we cuddle in the winter and sleep snuggled up. My house where the cats have more than we do, my kids only come to get a home cooked meal, where we may only have water to drink till payday. MY HOUSE. Today when I walked in and saw that the cats had knocked an ashtray off the table and tore the house up, I had to laugh because its okay. This is my house and I love it. This is my house where I am so thankful that I can take a bath when I want to, where I can use the toilet when I need to, where I can turn on the TV without someone screaming to turn it down or change the channel. My house where if I smoke, no one asks me for a hale. My house where my bedroom looks exactly the way I left it when I go out. My house where the dishes are clean and the furniture was bought with my hard earned money. My house where the floors are clean and the rugs are vacuumed. Where the shoes are neatly lined up and the litter box smells good. MY HOUSE. Everyone of you knows what I mean. Everyone else seems to have a nicer house and I am sure some of you do but its never like home. Its never like your home no matter where you home is or what it looks like. It is never comfy or cozy or just..... yours. Even if you rent or however you pay or if you own, for the time being its yours and really, that's a whole nother reason to be thankful , today my rent is paid and I am thankful cause I have another month in my home with no worries. So, to every one who has come home and found a whole new reason to complain, or who feel like nothing is good today, or who just feel so alone. Its okay, at least you are in your home. Even if you share with someone you cant stand or its considered theirs, whatever space you call yours, bless it and be thankful that its yours for right now. Even if its just a bed or a room or a space in the basement, its yours for right now and its all the reason to be thankful for it. No matter what, it could be worse and I have seen worse and you just dont know how much this little place means tom e. No matter what happens here, I am so blessed for the space to call my own and I love it and I want you to love yours also. NO matter what just be thankful for it and you will never lose it. I really believe that whatever you focus on and whatever you are always thankful for is what you will always have more of. With that I am going to bed, in my nice queen sizer with clean sheets (another plus). I wish you all the best and the encouragement to do what you love and what helps others. I wish you to come home.